Decoding dating profiles - what is really being said?
Decoding dating profiles - what is really being said?
A couple of weeks ago, I shared my tips for looking beyond the words of dating profiles to see what is being said underneath.
The 4 tips are:
1. Pronouns. Are they taking ownership of what they say?
2. Ordering. What’s most and least important to them?
3. Commitment. What do they do and what do they pretend to do?
4. The future. What is their vision of the future?
Let’s decode a couple of profiles
Headline: Not all firefighters cheat
Profile Text: …I will start by saying that I am looking for the same thing everyone is looking for…someone to spend time with, make great memories with, and love life to the fullest with..I am very honest ,spontaneous, sarcastic, but so much fun! I don’t have any stress or drama in my life,looking for someone to keep up with me. I am not looking for a one night stand so don’t bother asking.. And I don’t play games or chase someone …. If you not interested in dating just one person pass me by!
I go to the gym twice a day and try to eat right ,,,if you made it this far …drop me a line !
I am looking to hang out or date someone in person not just a phone friend so if you don’t want to meet up sometime don’t leave me a message it would be a waste of our time..
Oh and music is a huge part of my life
Let’s break him or her down
Pronouns. There is lots of “I” “me” and “my” in use, so they are definitely taking ownership of the words and being honest with what they say. But is that a good or bad thing? Let’s see as we go forward.
Ordering. This is fairly straightforward here. “Someone to spend time with” is their most important thing to them, and the theme of spending time with someone appears several times in this profile. They say they’re fun, but fun comes after honest, spontaneous and sarcastic.
Music comes in at the end like an afterthought. They are not as big a music fan as they are trying to portray.
Commitment. By commitment, I mean look at what they say they do rather than what they vaguely hint is part of their life.
This profile throws up a great example of that. “I go to the gym twice a day and try to eat right”. You can believe they do go to the gym twice a day (although they aren’t explicit about what they do when they get there) but they only “try” to eat right. Don’t be surprised if this person's diet isn’t perfect, they’ve told you that here.
Apart from that, this profile tells us a lot of what this person doesn’t like. Statements in the negative need looking at. For example, why say “not all firefighters cheat” in the headline? Why not say “a monogamous firefighter” or a “a firefighter who dates one person at a time”.
The reason is that their focus is on cheating when they wrote this. We should ask why.
Look at the list of things they’ve committed to in the negative.
Not a cheating firefighter
Doesn’t have stress or drama in their life
Not looking for one-night stands
Doesn’t play games
Doesn’t chase
Doesn’t want a phone friend
There’s enough there to suggest this is a list of things that are important to this person. That is not to say they are a cheat or have stress and drama in their life, but they are very focussed on these qualities.
The profile tries to give the impression of someone who doesn’t date multiple people at once, but it doesn’t say that explicitly. It does state that not all firefighters cheat, and they want someone who only dates one person at a time. They don’t once say they are not a cheat or that they only date one person at a time.
Future. they do say what they are looking for in the future and the good news is it is not only about them, they do use the word “with” which indicates they want to do things in unison.
What they would like to do may not be that exciting. The first thing they mention is “spend time with”, later they put “hang out” before “date”. This is not some great romantic talking.
They also do not mention friends or their current situation in this profile. That is worth noting next to this observation about their priority being spending time with someone.
Beyond my top 4 tips, I also worry this person could be controlling. They issue several orders in their profile.
“Don’t bother asking”
“If you’re not interested... just pass me by”
“Drop me a line”
“Don’t leave me a message”
The profile’s repeated use of “someone” feels problematic to me. It could be a specific “someone” they have in mind. It could be that “someone” had some of the qualities they are looking to avoid. There’s a high chance here that the poster of this profile isn’t over a past relationship.
Swipe left or right? That’s up to you, but personally this is someone with issues around fidelity, stress, and drama. They are probably lonely, hence the priority to spend time with someone over other needs, and they show controlling tendencies. I’d avoid this one.
Next..
Headline: Stellar Experiences Only
Profile Text: Just looking for a someone I can vibe with on a spiritual and intellectual level. Someone who can teach me new things and inspire. I’m pretty much a workaholic, so i don’t have much free time. But I would definitely like to meet someone i can kick back with, drama /stress free (get enough of that at work)
There are fewer words to worth with here than in example one, but it’s still rich in hidden meanings.
(Regular readers will see the text starts with the word “just” which puts me on alert for deception)
Pronouns. “I” is used a lot in here, but pronouns are missing in places.
Why is it “just looking for a someone” rather than “I am just looking for a someone”? Why is there no “me” after “inspire”? And without pronouns, it isn’t clear who needs to the “drama/stress free”.
Ordering. This looks good. They want to “vibe with” most importantly, it’s a joint activity. Then they want someone to teach them new things and finally “inspire”.
Commitment. This is where the biggest deception comes. They say they are “pretty much a workaholic”. “Pretty much” means “not” in its plainest term. A drink that is “pretty much finished” is not finished. A car which is “pretty much roadworthy” is not roadworthy. So this person isn’t a workaholic.
“I don’t have much free time” is in the same vein. They have said they do have free time, just not a lot of it. They want to give the impression they work hard and that’s almost all they do but they can’t state that honestly.
After the line about being a workaholic with little free time, there is a “but” which indicates what is coming next is more important to the person than what has come before. “I would definitely like to meet someone”. That is their commitment.
Future. We’ve already seen they want to meet someone to kick back with and vibe with. These are both said in the singular. There is no sign they are after someone to vibe with on regular occasions or kick back with at weekends.
“Teach me new things” is plural, so there is some indication they are looking for more than one meeting.
However, there isn’t any indicator of what this person will bring to the future. Why not?
As with the first profile, there isn’t anything about their current social set up or friends. There also isn’t any information about this poster beyond they work and don’t like the drama and stress that comes with it.
Swipe left or right? I’m going to avoid this one. The headline says “stellar experiences only”, but this person hasn’t given one indication of how they’d give a stellar experience to me.
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